There is no ‘If’

My heart broke into a million pieces thinking I, for any amount of time, let you down, hurt you.

There is no ‘if’ preceding ‘I love him’. There is no ‘if’ preceding ‘we have a future together.’  When it comes to you, the place you’ve taken up in my heart and all of the right I feel about you- there is no ‘if.’

But when you said those words, albeit truthful and needed. My heart broke in a million pieces. If I had done things differently, you wouldn’t have been hurt- even momentarily- if at all.

If I had only realized how much my delay, my standing in the same place- thinking I was moving forward when I was standing in quicksand. If I had only opened my eyes and realized I was on a path to hurt you, fail at giving you what you need. If I had only done this sooner…I would have given you all that you needed for it to be to be right from the start.  If I had realized that before we met…before I fell in love with you.

If I get the chance. If I am lucky….I will do everything in the world to make this right.

But, there is no ‘if’

Because I am lucky.

Because although I felt broken the moment you said it. Because as the realization of what it would be like if….if…..if I weren’t in your heart any longer, if I lost the perfect fit to my imperfect self…I felt completely lost and withered.

But you did as you always do and you didn’t let me fall alone, I had you in those moments I flailed. In being truthful and honest, you gave me that chance to open the door to not look back someday in the future and think ‘If he only had told me…if I only could have done something more…..If I only had known.’

If we can make it when we fall, be truthful when we struggle…then there is no ‘if.’

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~ by itisalwayssomething on December 15, 2011.

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