It’s Always Something and today…it’s me…

Author’s Note: written- 12 Oct 2011…didn’t realize it hadn’t posted and posted it: 10 Dec 2011

I love to write and often feel the urge to write to work through things- good…bad..random…

The mood to write is always at some odd time of the day…laying in bed, can’t sleep…and then the urge hits. I’ve been lousy about actually just getting up and writing- and then when I decide OK- now I’m going to write what I was thinking about…I can’t remember and I get a case of writer’s block. It’s always something..

Why “it’s always something?” …That line means so much to me…and it’s not always a bad thing. It was made popular by the late (and amazingly great!) Gilda Radner. It’s the name of the book she wrote that I’ve read at least 15 times in the course of my life- starting when I was around 15. Gilda was the picture of everything I could identify with as a kid. She was open and honest w who she was. She was slightly neurotic and spazzy. She had a killer sense of humor and is to this day- my favorite comedian. I miss her like I knew her. She was just a normal woman who wasn’t the ‘prettiest,’ ‘smartest,’ ‘most normal’…and neither was I….nor have I grown up to be…and she used humor to get through some of the most unfunny situations in life and inspired me to battle through my minor trials and tribulations.

I find myself in my mid-thirties, full time working mother of two (boy- 8, girl- 5) and in an increasingly ‘complicated’ relationship w the father of my kids/ husband.

I’ve found myself in an odd seperation situation derived thanks to an awesome economy. But stranger than that are the feelings I have on the whole thing…I think. For the last 3 years we’ve been in this limbo state, being done with something that I haven’t legally moved on from.

You see..from most outward appearances- we seemed to be a couple who should thrive…even still as we are done- we rarely fight, we seemingly get along…but….I’ve moved on, and yet I sometimes struggle with my guilt over wanting to end something that everyone else says ‘looks good.’ Looking isn’t feeling…and I didn’t feel good trying to be something I’m not.

I do love him- I recognize that he is a great guy, But we are not ‘in’ love. We innately have different needs from a romantic relationship. I require a relationship with the space to be my own person and to feel appreciated for who I am, not who I pretend to be….he requires constant companionship…to the point of being dependent on me for…everything and wants who I’ve pretended to be- because he doesn’t want to change…

We were in limbo- seperated but not moving forward for years. We finally admitted we need to take a step. So we did- we are working to divorce as amicably as is possible and I feel free and inspired…moving in the right direction.

I want my kids to learn happiness from our example. I want them to see us happy. I struggle because I know that divorce is remarkably hard on kids- but as I’ve learned in the last few years- so is living with two people trying really hard to force something that isn’t there. My kids deserve better. We deserve better as people.

Dammit if we didn’t make this decision when the economy is so in the hole…we still need to live together for awhile. Mentally moved on…physically- not.

Sigh…

It’s always something!

A

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~ by itisalwayssomething on December 10, 2011.

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